Roughin' it with Professor Severus Snape!
by Psychofae
Summary: Everyone's favorite Potions teacher is...obligated... into an incredibly unpleasant...vacation... Well, unpleasant for him, but hilarious for you! Oh, what cruel and unusual forms of psycological torture will poor Severus be put through this time?updated
1. One fateful day

A/N: None of this belongs to me... All of it is J.K. Rowling's, except what isn't hers, and that stuff belongs to somebody else.

Snape sat miserably on the edge of his bed, looking somehow more enticing than usual, his signature scowl plastered firmly upon his pale face, and reflected on how he got into his situation.

The whole blasted thing, as usual, had been that old lunatic Dumbledore's idea. Snape had been tormenting his Potion students, if that was what they could be called, load of half-wits they all were, when Dumbledore had walked in and announced that he wanted to see Snape in his office for a meeting after school hours, a disgustingly cheerful smile on his face. Snape had pretty much ignored it, assuming that it was just another conference on conduct pertaining to terrorizing the students, or discouraging professors from doing so. Another annoyance added to his list of grievance, (he had been meaning to plan out a particularly difficult lesson for the next day, it being so close to summer break) he continued throughout the day in no better a mood he had been in before, except for when Longbottom blew up yet another cauldron.

However, when the meeting rolled around, Snape had walked into Dumbledore's office to find him sitting by his desk, eyes twinkling annoyingly as they always did.

"Ah, welcome, Severus!" the old man had gestured for the tall, thin, deliciously menacing Severus to sit down, which he did. "I'll bet you are wondering what this is all about."

Snape had given a slight nod. "Yes, Headmaster. Please make this quick- I have things I need to take care of tonight."

Dumbledore had smiled again, and Snape fought the urge to grimace. "Don't worry- this should not take much of your time. You see, I have a surprise for you." He paused dramatically. "We're going camping!"

Snape had continued to look at the headmaster, face blank. "Camping."

"Yes, camping! The muggle way!" Dumbledore had practically wriggled in his seat with nauseating glee.

"…And what is the purpose of this… surprise?" Snape had managed to utter the phrase.

"Well, we cannot live our lives completely ignorant of muggle ways! Besides, this will be a wonderful bonding experience. The professors need to become as one unit, a brother-and-sisterhood of sorts."

Snape had actually twitched at the word 'bonding'. The whole idea was starting to make him feel slightly ill. But then, as if from above, a little ray of light had burst into his head, a way out- a perfectly good excuse! "Well, I'm terribly sorry, headmaster, but the end-of-year exams are coming up, and I have yet to-"

"Not to worry, Severus! I have had the whole thing taken care of, so your schedule is completely clear for our little field trip!"

Snape had felt his little ray of light shrivel up and die miserably and seriously considered quitting his job.

"Anyway, I must insist that you go; I have made it mandatory to do so unless you should like to sacrifice your next salary. Think of it as an early vacation!" Dumbledore had then stood, grinning. "Well, I think it would be wise to hurry back to your chambers and finish up that business of yours, hm?"

For a moment, Snape could not move, he had so loathed the wizard before him and the event he had just been locked into. But he somehow stood, paler than usual. "When- when do we depart?" he had choked out, forcing himself not to curse his employer into oblivion.

"Eight o'clock tomorrow morning, from the front field. We'll be traveling the muggle way, so be prepared!"

Snape had no idea what the headmaster meant by 'be prepared', but he did not like it.

Snape had made his way back to his chambers, trying not to think of what kind of cheerful, migraine-inducing nonsense the next day would bring. Mournfully, he had magicked his things into his great black trunk, still trying to think of a way out of this stupid trip, but there was not one to be found. He had showered, changed, combed his long black hair, and gone to bed. Try as he might, he could not force the foreboding images of the nightmare that would be the next day out of his head. Instead, he had entertained himself by thinking of creative new methods of torture and malevolence that he would wreak upon his multitude of half-grown idiots that were his students once he got back.

A/N: End of Chapter one! Next up: Let's get this freak show on the road!


	2. Let's get this freak show on the road!

A/N: As usual, all of this is J.K. Rowling's, lucky her.

Well, dawn had come too soon for poor Snape the next day. He awoke from his fitful slumber in the hopes that the events of the evening before had not taken place, but to no avail once he saw his pre-packed trunk sitting in the corner of his small room like a sick omen of inevitable disaster. Damn that big black rectangle. He had sighed heavily and sat up in bed. Snape rubbed his eyes, reflecting miserably. Having had enough of that, he grumbled, "I should have quit this job years ago."

His room, being a dungeon, was chilly as usual. He dressed, charmed his trunk to follow him, and grouchily made his way out of the castle and onto the field. His menacing glare only deepened when he saw the weather. Blue skies, warm, breezy, and sunshine up the yin yang. "Damn." Snape cursed. He hated sunshine, as his pale complexion, due to the 95 of his life spent indoors, made it impossible for him and the sun to 'play nice'. He shaded his eyes and scanned the field before him. What he saw made him feel ill yet again. A large, ugly, obviously used station wagon was parked on the grass, its doors open and trunk overfull.

McGonagall, Flitwick, Dumbledore, Trelawney, and, to Snape's utter horror, Lupin, were standing about and talking. Snape stalked over, trunk still trailing dolefully behind him.

"Ah, Severus! Good morning! I'm glad to see you join our little party." Dumbledore exclaimed. He stood proudly, sporting a ridiculous safari hat, camouflage robes, and an enormous backpack.

Snape looked at the Headmaster silently for a moment, deciding not to comment for fear of losing employment, before asking, "What is _that_ here for?" indicating the hideous monstrosity nearby.

"Why Severus, that is our mode of transportation!" Supplied McGonagall helpfully. Snape wasn't sure, but he thought that there might have been a hint of something akin to sarcasm in the strict old woman's tone.

Snape sighed inwardly, his fears confirmed. "And who, may I ask, is driving?"

"We'll be taking turns! Delightful, isn't it?" remarked Dumbledore jovially.

"It'll take that long?!"

"A day-long journey, to be exact."

Snape considered doing something drastic, but then simply accepted the fact that everything about this trip was going to be as unpleasant for him as humanly possible.

"Oh, don't look so glum, Severus. It'll be a good time, to be sure!" Lupin clapped him on the shoulder, grinning at Snape.

Snape, who hated being touched, grimaced, loathing Lupin with every part of his being for that moment. "I'm sure it… will be…" Snape looked to Dumbledore. "Where are we going?"

"Out in the middle of the woods, my friend! Where else?" answered the Headmaster.

"Of course… How long?"

"Three days, not counting today. Now, Severus, why don't you put that trunk of yours into the car? And then we'll draw straws to see who drives first!"

Snape glumly obeyed, waving his wand in the direction of the vehicle. The trunk hit the back of the car, and bounced off. Grumbling, Snape walked over to see what the problem was. Alas, there was almost no more room in the back for his black rectangular omen of inevitable disaster! Snape shoved the trunk as far as he could get it in, but it still stuck out half a foot from where it needed to be in order to shut the back door.

"Oh, Severus, let me help you with that!" Lupin came trotting over. "This can be a bit tricky-"

"I do not _need_ your help. I am quite capable on my own." Snape retorted. He then proceeded to ram his shoulder into the trunk, thus moving nothing with the exception of his collarbone, which caused him a great deal of pain before going completely numb.

Avoiding the other wizard's eyes, he mutely jerked his head towards the trunk. Lupin silently pushed the trunk into the back of the station wagon, a perfect fit.

"All right, everybody over here!" Dumbledore called. "It's time to draw straws- Severus, are you all right?" he asked, concerned at the way Snape's shoulder drooped.

"Just brilliant." Snape snarled. "Let's get this over with."

"…All right…" Dumbledore held out the straws, still looking dubiously at Snape. "I shall draw first!" he pulled out a straw. He then proceeded to offer it to the others, each drawing a straw. It was Trelawney who drew the short straw.

"Oh, how exciting!" she cried, clapping her hands. McGonagall and Snape rolled their eyes at the oblivious Divination professor. "I simply can't wait to get started!"

"That's the spirit! Everyone in the car, starting with you, Severus. Driving turns will go in backwards alphabetical order, meaning that our Potions master will drive after Sybil." Dumbledore announced.

Snape rolled his eyes once again and opened the backseat door. A remarkably tall man, he could not help bumping his head. Hearing a snigger, he muttered a threat through gritted teeth- and stopped. The snigger had come from the INSIDE of the car. A horrifyingly familiar, obnoxious voice told him to "Watch your head, Snape- You wouldn't want to get grease all over the car from that hair of yours, now would you?"

Snape looked up and promptly yelled at the top of his lungs. "YOU!!"

The grinning face of Sirius Black simply could not stop laughing at Snape's horrendously bulging eyes.

Snape couldn't decide whether to strangle the man, impale him, or hex him, so he sat there and cursed fluently at the top of his lungs instead. Finally regaining his senses, Snape threw himself backwards out of the car, arms careening wildly, wand out. He scrambled to his feet and hollered, "WHAT THE HELL IS _HE_ DOING IN THERE??!!"

McGonagall sighed and rolled her eyes, exasperated, as Lupin tried with all his might to keep from laughing hysterically at the rather comical sight of his co-worker practically foaming at the mouth and failed miserably. Flitwick squeaked and hid behind Trelawney, who screamed something about a 'dark aura'. Dumbledore looked mildly alarmed, but calmly said, "Now, now, Severus, let's forget old differences and start anew, hm? Sirius is going on this little trip with us as a guest of Remus."

Snape's eyes stopped bulging but remained wide. This trip was horrifying enough, but now to throw in Sirius Black… He fought the urge to break down and cry. "All right… all right… just keep him away from me."

"Oh, Severus, get over it and stop acting like a child!" Minerva burst out. "It's been years- let it go!"

Snape nearly told Minerva to do something very vulgar, but Dumbledore intervened. "All right, enough! We need to get moving if we'd like to get there before I run out of lemon drops and get very grouchy. In we go!"

The inside of the station wagon was cramped enough without everyone's baggage sticking over the top of the backseat. Overall, there were seven seats, three in the very back, two in the middle, and then the passenger's and driver's seats. Minerva entered first, sitting on a window seat in the very back. Snape climbed in, managing to step on Minerva's foot and hit his head, once again, on the ceiling of the car and sat next to her. Snape, tall as he was, felt extremely uncomfortable, with his skinny legs bunched up before him and his knees somewhere on the level with his chest. Lupin sat next to him, adding to his displeasure. Sirius sat in the middle in front of Snape, next to tiny Flitwick, who stretched is little neck up as far as it would go in order to see out the window. Dumbledore opened up the door for Sybil and went around to the passenger's seat.

"Seatbelts, everyone!" he reminded them cheerfully. Snape reached over to grab his belt and brought it over with a little too much force, thus elbowing Minerva in the stomach.

"OOF!"

"Sorry." He muttered, fastening himself in.

Remus managed to get his on without much incident, save the knocking poor Snape's head once again. Further up, however, Flitwick seemed to be locked in mortal combat with his seatbelt… of DEATH. With a little help from Sirius, he managed to get it on. Sybil was having a little too much fun with the release button, though.

"Black, move your seat forward." Snape ordered.

Sirius stretched his legs out in the ample space before him, _somehow_ managing to clock Snape in the face as he reached up and stretched his arms. "Whoops, sorry about that, Sevvy old pal." He grinned. "Do call me Sirius, Sevvy. And I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't order me around- remember, I'm Remus' guest. Nope, I think I'm quite comfortable just like this."

"Never call me that again. Move your seat up; I am quite uncomfortable."

"Aw, don't you want to be nice and cozy back there with Minerva dear? After all, this IS a bonding experience!"

"You know, he IS right, Severus." Dumbledore remarked.

"I loathe you." Snape informed Sirius.

"I love you too, man!" Sirius batted his eyes at Snape, who wanted to vomit.

"Okay, so, how are you supposed to start this thing?" Sybil wanted to know.

"Put the key in and turn it, Sybil."

"Oh, yes, now I remember!" The glittering woman sat up, practically bouncing.

In went the key, and the car roared, coughed, and BANGed into life, causing Flitwick to squeak in alarm.

"Off we go!" Dumbledore announced yet again. Soon enough they were on the road.

A/N: And that's Chapter two! Next up, Car Ride Singalong!


	3. Car Ride Singalong!

A/N: Surprise of all surprises: None of this is mine! (gasp in shock)

There were a few moments of unnatural silence before Sybil hit her first curb, nearly crashing into the VW bug next to them.

"Watch it, Sybil!" Snape ordered, the bump having caused his head to hit the ceiling once again. His skull probably looked like someone had dumped undiluted bubotuber pus on it by now, it was so lumpy.

"Whoops!" Sybil's glee seemed only to intensify with the near-death experience.

Another minute or two passed.

"I propose a song!" Dumbledore suddenly declared. Snape, whose legs had just about gone numb, was hoping that he had passed out from stress, discomfort, or simply pure hatred for all unfortunate beings around him. Minerva rolled her eyes, she, too, wishing that she could be excluded from this foolishness.

"What a splendid idea!" Flitwick agreed. "But what on earth shall we sing?"

"Oh, Oh, I've a great one!" Sirius cried. WHUMP, Sybil rear-ended a pickup in front of them. Snape felt a horrible sense of foreboding at Sirius' exaggerated glee. This could not possibly be good. "It's a muggle song: 99 bottles of beer on the wall!" Even the name sounded irritating. Snape himself preferred a stiff whiskey.

"How does it go, Sirius?" Lupin asked.

Sirius began to sing, and Snape began to consider killing either himself or Black. "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beeer, ya take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beeeeeer, and so forth."

The others, excluding Minerva, found this simply fantastic, and began singing, Sybil managing to hit something in time with the obnoxious tune. Snape wanted to die.

"99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beeeer, ya take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall-" WHUMP

"Ow!"

"98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beeeeer, ya take one down-"

"Sing, Minerva! It's quite enjoyable!" Dumbledore cried.

"Pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall-" WHACK

"OUCH!"

"Whoops!"

"Join us, Sevvy dearest!"

"I'd rather tack my eyelids to a blast-ended Skrewt's posterior."

"97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of BEEEEEER, ya take one down, pass it around, 96 bottles of beer on the wall-" CRUNCH

Snape screamed, "YEAAAAGH! That was my foot, Minerva!" Minerva, it seemed, had taken a rather raucous liking to the song and had begun to dance in a rather rambunctious manner.

"Terribly sorry, Severus you prude!"

"Are you drunk?!"

"That's the ticket, Minerva!" encouraged Sirius.

"96 bottles of beer on the wall, 96 bottles of BEEEEER, ya take one down, pass it around, 95 bottles of beer on the wall-" BANG

"OOF!"

And so it continued in this manner for about a half hour. However, Sirius and Lupin seemed to have a competition going pertaining to who could howl the word 'beer' louder with each verse. That is, until it grew so intense that the contest eventually included all passengers (except poor Snape) trying to see who could outsing the entire verse. As the song got louder, Sybil's driving grew to resemble more and more that of a very inebriated Massachusetts native. (For those who aren't familiar with Massachusetts, well, statistics have proven that that state's drivers are the WORST in America. They're called Mass Asses for a reason.)

"54 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, 54 BOTTLES OF **BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR**, YA TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND, 53 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WAAALLLL-" SMASH

Snape braced himself for the painful smack he would feel on the top of his head, but it never came. It seemed that his skull had gone completely numb.

"53 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, 53 BOTTLES OF **BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRR**, YA TAKE ONE DOWN-"

Snape thin upper lip twitched, his dark eyes dilated as he wondered how much more of this he could take before he resorted to bodily throwing himself out of the speeding vehicle of horror.

"PASS IT AROUND, 52 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL-"

"WHEEEEEEE!" Sybil cried as she drove into the roadside barrier, sparks flying.

"ENOUGH!!!!!!!" Snape could take no more.

All of them stopped singing, except the oblivious Sirius, who continued, "52 BOTTLES O' BEER ON THE WALL, 52 BOTTLES OF **BEEEEEEE**eeee-...Hey…"

Snape seemed to be having some trouble breathing. "Sybil, stop the car."

"But-"

"Stop the car."

She obeyed, a bit alarmed at the contrast between Snape's calm, sensible voice and the look of utter lunacy on his face.

"Now get out."

"But it's-"

"Do not argue with me, Sybil. I am driving. Get out."

She argued no more. They switched seats, as did Flitwick and Lupin. Sybil now sat between the Charms professor and Minerva, with Lupin and Black directly behind Snape.

A/N: And that's the end of this chapter! Coming up… 'Ahh, The Power of Parchment'…


	4. Ahhh, the Power of Parchment

AN: Hey, hey, I'm back! I told you I'd update soon! Sorry it took so long, technology decided to declare war on me for a period of time for some reason. Thanks so very much to my reviewers! All of you get a cookie! As usual, I own nothing, blahblahblah… shocking, eh?

Captianrose- You're wonderful. Keep giving me good reviews and you might get a button!

The Vuz- No idea who you are, but thanks for reading! Please continue to laugh hysterically at my work! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Guidi- Thanks to you, too. I hope you continue to read!

Steph- Yes, you rock, too. I keep telling you, we should take over as a team, our minds are already becoming as ONE! Well, literally, as I've only half a brain to begin with…

Preetyladyserenity- Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it. So here's more!! Tell your friends!

But anyway, yes I did steal the idea of thanking my reviewers from Captianrose, a very good friend of mine (she's a genius-read her stuff!), but I don't think she'll mind. So, without further ado, more Snape!

Snape restarted the car and began to drive, the other passengers silent for a moment. Sirius soon grew bored of this.

"Are we there yet?"

Snape sighed. "No."

More silence- until the rustle of parchment cut through the quiet. The scratch of a quill… and then Sirius' soft snicker. More rustling. Lupin's stifled snort followed by a whispered admonishment. "Sirius, grow up…"

"Come on, you know you want to."

"No, I couldn't." A pause. "Okay, just this once." More quill scratching. Sirius giggled evilly.

"What's that? Here, let me see-" The parchment was passed, and the Charms master burst out laughing. "Now, really, gentlemen, this is really not appropriate," he managed to get out between chuckles.

"Here, you should try it." Sirius offered a quill.

"… All right…" More rustling and scratching. By now, Snape had begun to sense something suspicious.

Sybil suddenly burst into laughter, having seen the parchment. Flitwick tittered a bit along with her, trying not to sound too pleased with himself. "Yes, well, it is a bit…"

"Marvelous, but it needs something- give us that quill, won't you?" She added her own touches. "Well, there's ONE thing I'm glad I haven't Seen." The others laughed.

Minerva then grew curious. "What on earth are you up to-" Minerva suddenly went silent, her hand over her mouth in shock, but then in an attempt to suppress laughter.

"Go on, Minerva, give it a try!"

"What? Absolutely not!"

"Oh, have a little fun for once. I can't imagine that it's pleasant or even possible to be proper ALL the time, Minerva!" Sirius wheedled.

There was a short pause, before she finally gave in. "…Oh, fine- Just this once…" Minerva, too added something to the parchment, thus sending whoops of hysterical, shocked laughter throughout the back two rows of the station wagon.

"_Minerva!_ I had no _idea_…!"

"Well, well, well, look who's the worst of all of us!"

"I knew you had it in you… I'm so proud…" Sirius looked moved.

Dumbledore looked benignly amused. "Well, they seem to be having fun, don't they?"

Snape's curiosity and suspicion got the better of him. "All right, what are you up to?"

Uncomfortable, ever-so-guilty silence. Lupin made the mistake of looking at the parchment again and burst out laughing, trying with all his might to stop himself. He even went so far as to stuff his fist into his mouth, but alas, to no avail.

"Uhhh… nothing…" Sybil had to be the worst actress on the planet. Minerva sighed. Didn't she know that 'nothing' NEVER meant nothing? 'Nothing' usually meant something destructive, illegal, or perverted. Then again, Sybil never had a clue when it came to her students' behavior. One of them could dance naked on one of those ridiculous tables of hers around a sombrero wearing a bandanna that said 'DIVINATION SUCKS!!' blinking in neon fiber optic Technicolor while singing the Spanish national anthem and she'd take it as an omen of untimely indigestion.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Bull, Sybil. What the hell have you been doing that's so goddamn funny?!"

"Hell, just give it to him. God knows he could use a laugh…"

"NO!" the others cried. None of them wanted to piss off a man like Snape, who could easily poison them with death-, pain-, or hallucinations-of-psychotic-homicidal-deranged-house-elf- inducing concoctions.

"Perhaps you ought to let me see that…" Dumbledore intervened.

The others, _very_ reluctantly, passed the parchment up to the Headmaster, as no one wanted to argue with their boss, and Sirius was dying to see the look on Snape's face once he saw their masterpiece.

Dumbledore looked down at it through his half-moon spectacles and immediately covered his mouth with one hand in an attempt to hide a grin and maybe even to smother a chuckle.

This was simply too much for Snape. He glared and reached for the now well-marked parchment. "Come on, now, let me see that, Headmaster."

He shook his head, still suppressing a chortle. "I wouldn't advise that, Severus. At least, not while driving."

This got another laugh out of the backseat and a great deal more of irritation out of Snape. "Hand it over, Dumbledore, or this monstrosity goes careening over the next bridge," he threatened.

Not feeling a particular urge to die, Dumbledore gave the parchment to Snape, simultaneously grabbing the wheel for fear of the results of the Potion master's reaction.

Snape looked at it, and immediately paled even more than he already was, his eyes growing bigger by the second. There on the parchment was a very detailed drawing of a cartoonish Snape driving the station wagon, skinny elbows sticking out of the windows, knobbly knees nearly touching the ceiling on either side of his head, the other passengers hanging out of the remaining windows, squished by his overly long limbs. His eyes were bulging and his crooked, yellowy teeth were bared rather psychotically- and little twitch marks had been drawn around the face. Someone had added a lacy, pink bra over his robes, and somebody else had drawn a pair of Superman underwear with 'Severus Snape' printed on the waistband waving proudly off the antenna and had also charmed it to flap quite realistically, while the lace on the bra fluttered in the breeze and the cartoon Snape growled and seethed. Snape's suitcase had been sketched on top of the car, a bag of weed, leather whip, handcuffs, blonde wig, and various women's fine lingerie sticking out of the overstuffed trunk. The words 'Sevvy Snape- WILL PAY FOR DATE, MALE, FEMALE, AND VERY CONFUSED ALL ACCEPTED!!' were written over the cartoon in large, obnoxious script.

Snape blanched, making himself even more sallow-looking than usual. Ditching the wheel along with any driving awareness he'd had, Snape whipped out his wand (not THAT wand, all you Sevvy-obsessed perverts!!) and immediately set fire to the paper, the mini Snape sending off tiny screams of agony in a creepy, high-pitched voice.

Snape watched the paper smolder for a moment before chucking it out of the window. Meanwhile, Dumbledore fought to control the van, which was quickly gaining speed under Snape's lead foot on the gas. Snape stared straight forward for a moment before he suddenly whipped around and dove for Sirius' neck, seatbelt and all, thus sending piercing screams out of Sybil as the rest of the passengers tried to disentangle Snape's fingers from Sirius' throat.

"Now, Severus, is this REALLY the professional way to deal with-" Remus protested. Still, Snape refused to cease throttling his nemesis. Finally, Minerva had to bitchslap her colleague for fear that he really would kill his much funnier enemy, whose face had begun to turn a peculiar shade of purple.

"Severus-" Dumbledore called, eyes getting wider as the van got more and more out of line with the rest of the vehicles. With a grunt, Severus snatched the remaining parchment and quills, whipping back around to stuff them into the glove compartment, still ignoring the fact that he was supposed to be driving and that he was going about 75 miles over the speed limit. Finally, he grabbed the wheel again, apparently attempting to make the car filled with children in front of them spontaneously combust with his glare of DEATH.

"Awww…" Flitwick pouted, crossing his little arms over himself, as did a few of the others, obviously put out.

"Sybil, this is all your fault!" Minerva accused, sounding very much like a five-year-old.

"It is not!"

"Is too! If you weren't such a horrible liar-"

Sybil was indignant. "One so in tune with her aura and inner truth cannot tell a lie. Something YOU wouldn't know about, Minerva- You couldn't read an aura if it was printed in magnified text right in front of you!-"

"Not true!" Minerva retorted.

"Well, if YOU hadn't drawn that funny picture, we wouldn't have laughed and gotten caught! So it's YOUR fault!"

"Oh, let me remind you, Sybil- YOU HELPED!"

"SO! It's still YOUR FAULT!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is NOT!"

"Is TOO!"

"IS NOT!!"

"IS TOO!!"

"Don't MAKE me turn this van around! Because I'll do it! Right into the truck next to us!"

"She STARTED it!" Minerva protested.

"I don't care who started it! I'll FINISH it!" Snape yelled.

"Now, now, Severus…" Dumbledore soothed in a placating voice, putting a hand on Sevvy's shoulder and sounding creepily like a concerned housewife.

Severus stared at Dumbledore for a moment, eyes wide in his sudden feeling of ultimate creeped-out-ness. How could this possibly get any worse?

Both McGonagall and Trelawney grudgingly settled down, pouting and grumbling under their breath.

"All right, new rules: The next person who disturbs me, fights, sings, draws pornographic cartoons, or annoys me in any way, shape, or form, will have his or her entrails dug out with a spoon and arranged in a decorative fashion about their head. Any questions?"

While most of the group meekly, and if I may say so, intelligently, shook their heads, Sirius simply could not find it within himself to pass up an opportunity to get himself into a ridiculously vast amount of trouble and put the rest of them into severe danger of bodily harm. With a barely suppressed snigger, he asked, "Yeah… where do we keep the spoons?"

Snape wished fervently that he'd asked his good friend Lucius to bootleg a few Muggle sedatives prior to this lovely excursion. He promised himself a good long visit to the pub and an extended date with some very hard liquor once he got back to Hogwarts if only he could survive this trip. Meanwhile, his fingers itched for a spoon. "Just be glad I don't know just yet, Sirius… Just be glad…"

"Shut up, Sirius. He's turning puce again." Remus advised his friend as Sirius made to noisily feign terror.

AN: Well, that's the end of this one! I've the 5th chapter halfway done already, so I shouldn't be too long in updating. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE review!!!!!!


	5. Happy Nature Fun Time Camp!

AN: The usual disclaimer, Nothing is mine, everything is Rowling's (grumbles Lucky bi-sneezes loudly)… yadda yadda yadda...

Captianrose- Don't even start with me, I'm from there too! Well, before I moved, that is...

CelticGryffin- Thanks for reviewing!!! I promise I'll update as soon as I can!

Just then, they passed a rest stop.

"Severus, pull over. It's time to switch." Reluctantly, Snape turned in, parking in a recluse corner of the visitor's center.

McGonagall looked around at all of them. "Wait- don't forget to bring your Muggle clothes to change into!"

Severus frowned. "Muggle… what?" Then he remembered. Those ridiculous Muggle garments he had packed earlier.

"That's right. We want to blend in, don't we?" Dumbledore beamed at them.

Severus looked around. He highly doubted that that little band of circus freaks could even look remotely in place, never mind 'blend in.' But he kept that to himself.

And so, the troop moved into the small visitor's center/rest stop as inconspicuously as possible while their group contained a midget, a benign-looking wizard with a waist-long beard and a mentally-disturbed-looking, although rather delectable, tall, dark, menacing Potions master.

Soon enough the group began to reappear outside the restrooms, looking a bit awkward in their new Muggle garb. Sirius in particular looked rather enticingly cool in his ACDC T-shirt and ripped blue jeans, his hair pulled back into a horsetail. Remus had chosen a very professor-ish look consisting of a long-sleeved shirt under a buttoned-down vest. Minerva seemed quite out-of-sorts in her plain maroon shirt and blue jeans, much like Sirius', minus the considerably dashing and strategically placed rips. Albus had gone with the rather odd and extreme camouflage look, topped off with a khaki rangers' hat and his old walking stick. Sybil was still dressed in her many shawls, although she now sported an obnoxiously loud orange plastic poncho. Flitwick, however looked absolutely smashing in his new midget punk/Goth rocker look, all black with a chain here or there, a leather jacket and, fabulously, a bright red kung-fu bandanna wrapped around his head. Sirius looked over at him, "Nice jacket. Liking the midget-Goth-from-Hell look very much," he frowned a bit. "Where's Sevvy?"

Just then, Severus strode out from the rest area, adorned in garb that would make any Snape-loving-fan girl's world slow down and cause her to start drooling. He looked positively marvelous in a collared, cuffed black shirt, pants, leather boots and an utterly delicious high-collared black leather duster with silver buttons. With his hair tied back into a short horsetail and having donned very cool, small sunglasses, he looked quite Matrix-ish. All in all, very droolworthy.

"My, my, Severus, don't WE look debonair today?" giggled Sybill, the awesomeness of Severus' new outfit radiating and slightly affecting her mind, poor tiny thing that it was.

Sirius sniggered. "Yeah. Nice shades, Neo."

Severus turned his head towards him. "I hate sunlight," he replied simply. He adjusted his ever-so-sexy collar and asked, "And who the hell is Neo?"

The ACDC fan shook his head. "Never mind."

"We're all here? Splendid!" exclaimed the Headmaster cheerfully. Snape was starting to wonder where Dumbledore was getting whatever he was on- he'd like to get his hands on some happy pills as strong as that. "No time to lose- we must get moving!"

Snape nearly paled even more than he already was. "Who's driving?"

"Not it!" Sirius quickly touched his nose in a childish gesture. Severus sighed in relief.

"No, no, I think we've all had enough of this driving thing. I believe it would be wise to let me drive for the remainder of the journey, don't you?"

"Excellent, Headmaster," Snape said as they clambered into the ugly blue monstrosity. "I believe I'll take this opportunity to get a little sleep." He buckled himself in between Minerva and Remus. "If any one of you does anything to me or any of my belongings while I am asleep, I will personally make sure that the next thing you eat or drink will kill you. Slowly. After a great deal of pain." Snape stuffed his ears with the earplugs he had bought at the rest center and wearily laid his head back on the seat.

And so, Snapey dearest slept for the remainder of the ride. Sirius was quite tempted to perform a bit of mischief, but Dumbledore forbade him to do so while still in the car for fear of having to live the rest of his days like Mad-Eye Moody, drinking out of a personal hip flask. He knew of Severus' skills all too well.

Soon enough, as the sun began its ever-quickening trek towards the horizon, Severus awoke as Dumbledore pulled sharply into a dirt road leading into the woods, a sign reading "Happy Nature Fun Time Camp" carved into it hanging from a wooden pole next to it. Snape grunted as he peered out of the window at the slowly passing greenery. Sighing, he massaged his knuckles against his eyes, rubbing the sleep out.

"Ah! Welcome back to the world of the living, Severus. Did you sleep well?" Dumbledore greeted Snape and glanced back at him through the rearview mirror.

"Awww, did Snapey-poo have a nice nappy? I hope you managed well without your stuffed man-eating Chimaera." Sirius simpered, batting his eyes at Snape for the second time that day. Thankfully for him, Snape was far too tired and groggy to retaliate properly.

"Now, now, you two, stop it. We have a lot of work to do before we can relax." Dumbledore admonished benignly.

"What kind of work are we talking about here?" Minerva inquired, a bit warily.

"Can't you tell, Minerva, my dear? We must set up camp!" Flitwick squeaked.

Snape was suddenly awake with as his eyes widened with dread. Somehow, that task seemed like a new, cruel and unusual form of torture... especially when Sirius craned around and grinned evilly at him, followed by Remus' soft snicker.

"Good thing you got your beauty sleep, eh mate? Although I can't say it did any good, you're still as fugly as usual..." Sirius' crack got a little stifled chuckle out of Minerva, despite her good intentions.

Dumbledore pulled into a relatively reclusive campsite, really just a small clearing with a little fire pit in the middle, big enough for two, three tents at the most. A picnic table also sat off to the side, barely big enough to fit all of them if they got a bit cozier than usual.

The group clambered out of the car, stretching, Snape looking as impressive as always, tall and thin as he was. All of them looked around, Minerva and Sybil skeptically, Flitwick and Dumbledore obliviously happily, and Snape suspiciously as well as doubtfully.

"How are we supposed to sleep?" Severus inquired. "I don't think the muggles will be able to ignore wizard tents."

"Well, Muggle tents, of course. We'd better get started setting them up now, before it gets too dark." Remus pulled out what looked like a mess of long metal and plastic sticks and a big plastic circus tent.

"THAT is our tent?" Snape was incredulous. "And I'm not sleeping with you."

"Well, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong message, Severus dear, but I prefer women. Or really anyone but you, actually. Oh, don't be sad, darling; I'm sure we'll find you a boy toy someday." Sirius reassured. Snape merely looked repulsed and did not comment any further.

Remus sighed. "Severus, we've only got two tents. One for the girls and one for the men. Looks like you're out of luck." He clapped Snape on the shoulder. "Hey, don't worry. I'll make sure Sirius doesn't do any permanent damage."

Too late, thought Snape. He looked over at Minerva and Sybil, who were already getting started on their tent. He then looked at the pile of poles and plastic. "Are there... directions?"

"Yes, here they are." Flitwick pulled out a large white fold of paper that had lots of arrows and pictures and words on it.

"Lovely, you four set up the tent and I'll pitch up the tarp above the table so we can eat." Dumbledore began to throw up ropes over the branches of the enclosing trees by the picnic table.

The tiny Charms professor perched himself on a nearby stump and shook out the directions. "I'll read these to you, all right?"

Remus nodded. "Good idea. What first?"

"Ok, spread out the tent on the ground."

"Is there supposed to be a huge hole there?"

"Wait, no, that's the entrance.... where's the bottom?"

"Over there."

"Over where?"

"Are you blind? Over there, you imbecile!"

"Oh. Ok." Sirius stood upright once again. "Now what?"

"Insert pole A into slot B."

Snape searched through the poles, connected by strings. "Which one is pole A? Wait, how many are IN this thing?"

"I don't know- separate them!"

Snape rolled his eyes and began to attempt to pull the sticks apart. Grunting, he looked at Remus. "I could use some help here."

"Right. Ummm, wait, where do I-?"

"Hey- hey- I DON'T BEND THAT WAY!!" Snape yelped as the tangle of poles got even worse.

Five minutes later, Sirius was standing, sniggering, off to the side as Severus and Remus finally managed to disentangle the mess. "Shut it, Black." Snape looked back at Flitwick. "OK, what was that again?"

"Insert pole A into slot B."

"Which one is pole A?"

"The directions say the longest one... wait, no, the one with the fuchsia tips."

"What the fuck is fuchsia?!"

"This one- the pinkish-purple one."

"No, it's THIS one."

"NO, that's scarlet. THIS is fuchsia."

"What? They look exactly the same."

"No way, this one has more of a pink tinge."

"Great Merlin, this is stupid."

"Both of you stop it. This one is pole A, ok?"

"FINE! I still think it's scarlet."

"No, it's not. Apparently you're colorblind as well as fugly."

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU shut up!"

"It's scarlet!"

"It IS NOT!" Sirius looked as if he was ready to punch Snape in the face with great relish. Snape, too, was getting that scary-yet-pleasurable look in his eye.

"OK!" Remus looked at Flitwick. "Maybe we should stop them before they get into a fistfight over how much pink is in the color fuchsia." Flitwick nodded. "Gentlemen! Hey!"

Severus and Sirius looked at Remus simultaneously. "What?"

"It's PINK! OK? Jesus, there's no need to get homicidal over the girliest color on the planet."

"...Right..." Snape looked a bit embarrassed. "Which one is slot B?"

"The one that says 'slot B' on it."

"Well, OBVIOUSLY. Only NONE of them say 'slot B'."

"Sure one of them does. This one- wait, no, it's this one. Or this one."

"That makes no sense. How can one pole fit into three different slots at the same time?"

"I dunno, but the bloke'd have to be one talented guy." Sirius grinned and Remus and Flitwick stifled a chuckle.

"Grow up. Here, I guess just pull it through here- Remus, could you grab that, please?"

"Yes, here-"

"No, the other one- ok, here we are- OH, shit, now it's all twisted! Is it supposed to look like that?"

"I haven't a clue, these diagrams look like they were drawn by a drunken squirrel with epilepsy. A bloody stupid one, at that."

"Well, forget it. What's next?"

"Insert pole 2A into slot C."

"OK.... well, which one is pole 2A?"

"Oh, God, not again..."

"No, no, not to worry, this one's labeled."

"Well, why the fuck wasn't the other one, then?!"

"Oh, yeah, OK, I'll just call up the manufacturer and ask him, all right?" Sirius mimed a phone, "Hello? Yes, my colleague the wizard Potions Master from the school of magic Hogwarts wants to know why the fuck you can't consistently label your poles." He looked at Severus. "I don't really think that'll work."

"Yeah, well... be quiet. Now help me pull it through here."

"Through where?"

"THERE!"

"Now, why does this go over this? Or does it go UNDER?" A pause. "Umm... Severus... I think the pole is too short..."

"WHAT?" Severus looked at Remus. "Please say you're shitting me. That was the longest one there was."

"Er... well, it's not a big deal... they're all the same as far as I can see."

Snape sighed. The tent had begun to take on a semi-domelike shape...ish... Except very lopsided. And a bit twisted up. "It doesn't look right."

"Well, maybe it will once we tack it down."

"Right... now, what does it say, Flitwick?"

"I think you're supposed to put the pegs in the loops and hammer them into the ground."

"What do you mean, you think? What do the directions say?"

"I don't know. They're in Russian from here on in."

Snape could not find any words fit to comment on the new situation. Instead, he just sighed again. "Fine. Well, Remus, grab that end- Flitwick, take the other, and Black, take the other end of mine- "

"Here, gimme a peg- No, not that one, the other one-"

"Which?"

"Look around, there's a blue one in there-"

i Whip. i SMACK. "OOF!! OW!"

Snape now sat on the ground, groaning as a nice big red welt began to swell across his face.

"I don't think you should have let go of the pole, Severus." Sirius observed helpfully.

"Shut UP, you imbecile! You knew perfectly well what was going to happen, and-"

The two of them continued to scream at each other while Remus, Flitwick and Dumbledore looked on.

"Which one do you think will kill the other first?"

"I swear, if you don't SHUT UP, I will-"

"Ooooh, I'm SOOOO scared! Look, I'm shaking in the presence of Snivellus, the utensil-weilding TERROR!"

And so, as the sky grew ever darker, Minerva and Sybil ended up pitching the boys' tent, and Dumbledore was forced to charm Severus into a very deep sleep in order to stop him killing Sirius.

AN: MWAHAHAHAHA! A cliffie! Sort of... Next time on Roughin it: Wakey-Wakey, Sevvie Darling! REVIEW!!!!


	6. Wakey, Wakey, Sevvie Darling!

Hey, guess what? I'm back, but only by demands from those who have reviewed. None of the characters, except, well… one, are mine.

Birds chirping. The peaceful-semi-quiet of an early June morning. The smell of dew and dry foliage. The sun rises, the forest awash with slowly paling light. The slight chitter of the local wildlife.

Inside his tent, Severus rolled over, trying to remain asleep for as long as possible. Feeling a tickle on his nose, he twitched and grunted

"Not NOW, Lucius. We've talked about this."

The tickling persisted, and the annoyance was amplified by some movement over his chest and a flitting breeze on his face. The tickling soon moved to an insistent tapping on his forehead with something small and hard. Severus sighed, irritated. He opened his eyes, about to reprimand the cause…

And his gaze was greeted by two small black eyes about two inches from his own, set in a face of grey fur and bulging cheeks.

Severus froze, his voice locked in his throat. The squirrel nibbled on a nut clutched between its paws, cocked its head and flicked it's tail. After a moment, it thrust the nut towards Snape's nose, offering its little gift.

Still somewhat incoherent, Snape obediently took the nut. The he realized that he was face to face with and found his voice rather quickly, and with a cry he sat up and moved away from the creature. "What the fuck? No, I don't want your…thing. Now get out!"

The squirrel responded with an indignant chitter, scurried over to Severus' lap and began noisily cracking the rejected nut, crumbling bits of nutshell into Snape's clothing. Severus stared at the squirrel before attempting to shoo the creature away, who proceeded to look back up at him in a very, "Excuse me, but what the fuck do you think you're doing?" kind of gesture. When Snape attempted to pick the critter up, the squirrel squealed angrily and scrambled up Snape's chest and neck, and proceeded to grip Severus' hair and ears with its claws, latching itself firmly to his face.

Severus yelled, horrified, and tried to pull the now angry and very noisy squirrel off of his face, but was met only with very sharp teeth tearing chunks of skin off of his fingers. At this point, Severus began screaming somewhat incoherently and flailed, tumbling over in his badly made tent, locked in lethal combat with a very irritated rodent.

Meanwhile, outside, the others were making breakfast. Suddenly, Severus's tent began rocking on its pegs, and a series of angry squealing and intermittent grunts, curses and screams of pain rang out in the clear morning air.

"Looks like Sevvie's up." Commented Sirius, continuing to scramble eggs in the cast iron griddle over the fire. Suddenly, Snape burst out, bleeding hands and arms a flailin', a grey furry mass plastered to his face and fluffy tail hanging down from his chin like a bizarre beard of some kind.

"HELP ME!" Snape hollered, somewhat muffled by the squirrel fur over his mouth, and stumbled towards the others, most of which were in too much shock to say or do anything, except for Sirius, who stared for a moment and then proceeded to burn his eggs from laughing too hard. "THIS MOTHERFUCKING… GERROFF!"

"Hold still, Severus!" Remus moved towards him, wand out, ready to assist the assaulted Snape.

"NO, REMUS!" Dumbledore stood quickly, arms out in a 'freeze!' gesture. "We cannot use magic, the muggles might see!" he hissed, suddenly looking around in a somewhat paranoid manner.

Remus looked over, and slowly dropped his wand arm. Meanwhile, Snape fell over and began clawing at the creature on his face, but to no avail. It seemed as though they might have to peel Severus's face off in order to remove its new tenant. Snape was just about to slam his face against the nearest tree as a last resort when Sirius finally recovered, and walked over to where Snape was, and crouched next to him.

"Hold still. No- I mean it, hold still."

Snape, desperate, obliged.

Sirius looked, completely straightfaced at the squirrel, still latched firmly to Severus' face, who twisted its head around to look at him reproachfully. "Now, what exactly is the problem here?"

The squirrel suddenly scurried up Snape's face to stand, all four legs splayed and stalwart, on the top of his head. The creature chattered for some time, trembling with rage, all the while still gripping Snape's scalp. Snape spat out some fur and began to protest the creature's continued presence on his cranium. "What the fuck IS this thing? And get it OFF ME!"

Sirius ignored him, and nodded, brow furrowed at the enraged ball of fur. "I see… oh, well then… really? You don't say…"

"…Black, what in Merlin's name are you DOING?! Have you gone completely mad?! THERE IS A SMALL RODENT ATTATCHED TO MY SCALP!"

"… He says his name is Frank. And you stole his nut." Sirius looked at Snape. "…You should give it back."

Snape sat there, bleeding, confused, and still feeling the claws embedded in his scalp, and believed, at last, that Sirius Black actually WAS certifiably insane.

"Wait, no… sorry. He says you rejected his nut. And it was rude." Sirius looked at Snape again. "How inconsiderate of you!"

"Black… this, this THING-"

"It's called a squirrel."

"-I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED, **IT CAN NOT TALK**. And therefore YOU cannot possibly understand what it is NOT SAYING."

Sirius looked at Snape as though to say, 'DUH,' "Sevvie darling, you are being very rude to Frank. And I learned to speak fluent squirrel while hiding out in the wilderness. How do you think I ate? Acorns are good shit."

"Well that's wonderful, Sirius!" cried Dumbledore. Why ever didn't you tell about it? You know I love to learn new languages. It was wonderful working with the merfolk back then…"

Snape sputtered, "All right, fine. You finally went completely out of your mind. Fine. Well, well, tell IT, if you can-"

"He's not an IT, he's a HE and he has a name. Which is Frank. And he has feelings. …Deep feelings." Sirius looked mildly pouty, and his expression was the very definition of, 'so THERE.' The squirrel chirped in agreement.

Severus rolled his eyes, and was about to pinch the bridge of his nose but feared for the remaining unbroken skin on his fingers, what little there was. "FINE. Tell FRANK-"

Sirius interrupted, "Nuh-uh, YOU tell Frank. He can hear you, too. Stop being so rude."

"IAMNOTSPEAKINGTOASQUIRREL!!" Snape snapped, practically barking at the other man.

Sirius leaned back, eyebrow raised. "I don't think Frank likes your attitude." He pointed at the squirrel.

Snape looked up as far as he could, only to hear a slight rustling and see small tufts of long, black hair fall down into his lap.

"OH GOOD GOD!" Severus tried to remove the squirrel, but once again, only succeeded in collecting various new bit marks.

The squirrel paused for a moment and chittered at Sirius.

"He says it tastes bad." The gnawing continued. Severus cried out in anguish, but then realized that he still had his wand. Snape produced it-

And was nearly bowled over by a flash of camouflage robes, which was actually Dumbledore performing an epic leap and dive onto Snape's wand hand, and then promptly removed said wand and quickly stowed it away, looking around furtively. "I TOLD you, Severus- the muggles might see! We must continue this trip as real non magical people!"

More gnawing ensued. "Hey, Sev, I think he's giving you a faux-hawk!" Sirius stood back to observe the squirrel's progress. Meanwhile, more and more of Severus's hair was falling, a considerable pile growing in his lap. "The guy's got style, you'd have to say that. Impressive teeth…"

"Can't we get rid of it SOMEHOW?!" wailed Severus.

"Hey, I'M not going near that thing…" Remus backed off. "Hell, I work with magical creatures, and jeezus I AM partly a werewolf, but good Merlin that fucker's SCARY!"

Minerva, Sybil and Flitwick were quietly remaining out of the whole conflicts, sensing only impending disaster.

Dumbledore patted Severus' shoulder. "It looks like you're just going to have to deal with Frank living on your skull for a while, Severus. After all, we don't want to upset the natural order of things around here."

"NATURAL ORDER? The bloody rodent is **EATING** MY **HAIR**!!"

"Actually, he's just cutting it, he says it's too greasy for him. It will make him too fat- he's trying to work off all his hibernation weight."

"Black, SHUT UP. Just SHUT UP, for the love of all things good."

"I dunno, Minerva, don't you think he's kind of cute?"

"Yes, if you LIKE rabid wildlife ravaging your scalp. I suppose he could be somewhat endearing…"

And so, Severus made a new friend, Frank the squirrel.

(( Yes, I know it's short, and not the best, but I'm getting back in my groove and it's exam time. And it's been about two years since I've even touched this story, ok? Cut me a little slack here. Review, if you have anything constructive to say.))


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